I think it's time for a cleanse. As we're coming into the 12th season of the Bach, I think it's time to take a moment to look back in time - you know, learn where we came from to understand where we're heading. Especially after last season's troubling finale, when two girls stood before the Bach, and both of them went home. In a limo. Bawling.
So - imagine for a moment, if you will, it's the final show of any given Survivor season. (That's right, I'm mixing up the shows). And the remaining contestants are heading out on their final physical and spiritual journey. Along their way, they come across, one by one, the doused torches of their 'fallen comrades'. They pause at each torch, wax nostalgic for a split second, and then collect the torch for a final bonfire or light a firecracker or whatever. It's quite symbolic. So let's take a look back at each of the 11 prior Bachs. We'll pause at each Bach, pick up a dead rose, and take a moment to say our goodbyes. If you need a moment to paint your face in your tribal colours, go ahead. I can wait.
Survivors ready?
1. Alex Michael
Now let me first off say that I never watched this season. Not one episode. Apparently I did have a life at one point, and it was during the airing of the first season of the Bach. So I can't comment specifically on this season, except for what I've gathered from the 'net. Alex is now 37 years-old, a management consultant who was born in Virginia.
On the show he chose Amanda Marsh over Trista Rehn (oh yeah, Trista) but broke up with Amanda a few months after the show aired. I found some ramblings that he tried to date Trista after the end of the show as well. I also read on wikepedia that he starred in and executive produced a 'short film that set records for Internet distribution'. You can draw your own conclusions on that one.
2. Aaron Buerge
Aaron is now 33 years-old and is a banker. He also has a degree in mechanical engineering and an MBA. He works in his family's bank but also owns a sports bar and 'casual dining establishment'. I only vaguely remember this Bach and seem to recall that I didn't really like him. He proposed to Helene Eksterowicz, but they also broke up before getting married. He can be booked for speaking engagments under the category of 'reality tv star'. Not too sure what he actually would speak about.
3. Andrew Firestone
One of my favourite Bach's, Andrew was born the day after me (true), and belongs to the Firestone tire family. I liked this Bach probably because I remember watching the finale at a friend's place at the culmination of a great stagette weekend. The night before we had hit the bar - with the bride in a veil and shoulder sling (dislocated shoulder - not related to the stagette) - played a great round of 'That Guy' and woke up the next morning, with me still in the outfit I wore to the bar. Yikes. Dear Diary, I am so glad that Facebook had not been invented yet. Those pics do not belong on any web, let alone the world wide one.
But I digress...Andrew Firestone. He proposed to Jen Schefft, but they later broke up. He currently can be found playing poker, working on his winery, or starring in a Pro-California commercial.
4. Bob Guiney
For a split second, I thought ABC might have some pseudo-alphabetical thing going on and that they were moving on to the 'B's...but I was wrong.
So...Bob Guiney...where to begin. A bit goofy, strange hair, but I didn't mind Bob. Bob was recently divorced before debuting on the Bachelorette (got rejected there and was chosen to be on the Bach). He picked Estella Gardinier, but they later broke up and he is currently married to Rebecca Budig (soap star). I remember him more so for his fame as a musician after he appeared on the Bach - check out his website and listen to some Bach tunes.
5. Jesse Palmer
Jesse Palmer was hot. Still is, although the last time I saw him (on tv, of course, not in real life) was during an NFL pre-game show or something and he was wearing some very unattractive white slacks. Very tight. Nice jacket and tie on top, tight pants on the bottom. Maybe some mesh slip-ons for shoes, I can't be sure. Like someone forgot to tell him that he would be viewed from the waist down. And he was sitting down on a stool that was just high enough that his feet didn't touch the ground. Am I painting you a hot enough picture?
But you gotta love Jesse - he's a Canadian! And he's a close friend of Eli Manning! And one of the best looking Bach's, in my opinion. On the show, he picked Jessica Bowlin, but they didn't last. I think he's actually done well for himself - he knows his football and (I think) does a pretty respectable job as a football analyst.
Honestly - I was watching the pre-game show and didn't even realize he was the Bachelor at first. Thankfully my husband pointed it out for me. Oh yeah, just outed my husband as a Bachelor watcher. Yes.
6. Byron Velvick
Byron is an old man and a professional bass fisherman. He beat out how many other Bachelor's to get on the show?
He's currently engaged to Mary Delgado although she's quite good at kicking his ass. Or his mouth. Same deal. Although I have nothing against Byron, necessarily, I wasn't quite as into this season. Byron just didn't do it for me. I know many people who found him quite handsome, some of them girls.
7. Charlie O'Connell
Again, let me be honest here. It is a cleansing, after all. A purge before the storm of the new season of the Bachelor. I didn't watch this season either. Not one episode. Come on - Charlie O'Connell?? Did people actually watch this season? Truthfully, many of my friends loved Charlie - they thought he was one of the greatest Bachelors, to which I would reply, Charlie O'Connell?? Seriously??
But hey, if he was great, good for him. I think he and the girl he picked on the Bach just broke up after a couple of years of dating, so that's a bit more respectable than some of the other Bach's. When the Bach comes out on DVD (with one extra disc of Chris Harrison extras), I'll watch this season first, I promise.
8. Travis Stork
And so began my slow return to loving the show. Dr. Stork brought me back into the Bachelor, and since his season I was once again hooked. Travis Stork was a good looking, ED doctor (not an obstetrician with a name like stork, hardy har har) although he seemed to stumble quite a bit on his words when he was on the Bach. I'll admit the reason I started watching was because there was a girl from my hometown of Winnipeg who was one of the bachelorettes. She got a hometown date - but it was QUITE painful to watch. She might as well have taken him into her bedroom where she had the top bunk of a bunk beds she shared with her 10-year-old brother. It was that painful. His final pick, Sarah Stone, was a teacher who lived a couple of blocks away from him. They also did not last long after the airing of the show. Too bad. Since then, Travis has also written a book - a New York Times Bestseller called "Don't Be That Girl: A Guide to Finding the Confident, Rational Girl Within". Okay...so...it might not be a NY Times Bestseller, but a copy managed to find its way in front of you, I think you'd at least flip through it.
9. Prince Lorenzo Borghese
That's right, the Bach's first dip into royalty, this Bach also sells cosmetic products and I believe spa products for dogs. I liked this Bach quite a bit, he had that nice balance between humble shy guy and all-out player (despite his 'Prince' moniker). I can't believe I just used moniker. Sweet. I especially liked how the producers brought in some italian birds to compete with the american bachelorettes and he couldn't understand them. But still gave one a rose. In the end he chose Jennifer Wilson - but then rumours starting circulating that he hooked up with contestant Sadie Murray. As a bit of a sidebar, it would be cool to see Sadie come back as a bachelorette.
10. Andy Baldwin
Andy - an Officer AND a gentleman AND a doctor AND a triathlete AND not related to Alec Baldwin. I liked Andy - this was a good season, with good fantasy dates and all that (I mean, come on, it was in Hawaii!). In the end he picked Tessa Horst, and although there was some speculation that they broke up at the end of the show, some internet sources I read claims they are still together.
11. Brad Womack
Oh B-Rad, you over-enunciating son-of-a-gun. So fresh in my mind. I can't review your performance on the show - too new. Looking forward to seeing how ABC redeems itself in this upcoming season. Although, now that the dust has settled, I don't think ABC has anything to worry about. The After.The.Rose.Ceremony was probably one of the most viewed episodes in Bachelor.History.
12. Matt Grant
What will ABC bring to the plate this time around? Can't hardly wait. See you in month, MG.
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